Letting go of expectation. Ready for anything.
You know that feeling when you’re on a roller coaster and it’s clicking to the top of the hill and you have no idea what’s next? The adrenaline, the uncertainty, the excitement of the unexpected? That was how this weekend began. Creeping toward the top of the hill, all emotions bubbling up, ready to boil over at any moment.
I had an epiphany of sorts in my practice on Saturday. I’ve been avoiding camel pose for some reason…probably because it’s a huge heart opener. I’ve barely been going to my edge and then stopping, thinking, “that’s far enough…feels good…are we done get?” Saturday we were doing a 90 minute self-led practice. I was sweaty and moving and present. I started to go into camel pose…but instead of stopping I went back all the way, placed my hands on the floor and then thought, “Whoa! I haven’t done that in a while… why haven’t I done that in a while?” Then I heard my teachers voice, “Come up Hailey, then go back down with both hands at once” talking me through an even stronger attempt. I touched the floor and there I was. She then told me to go into wheel. I thought, “hmm, well from here I used to like putting my elbows on the floor for a baby wheel…why don’t I do that anymore?” While thoughts went through my head of the past I pressed into wheel and came back to the moment. She talked me through coming down and back up a few more times and it hit me like a freight train. I’ve been holding back so much in my practice since last summer. It was in this very moment that I realized how much I let other people’s choices not just affect my relationship with myself but my practice too.
Some thoughts came up in savasana and I was actually really angry. Angry at my ex, and confused why it took so long for this anger to appear. Time passed and I felt a tear run down my face. I was flooded with gratitude and peace. Gratitude for this process, for this training, for my relationship now. For coming back to me. Different than before. Stronger than before. Open, expanding & breaking through.
When we were promised breakthroughs, our teachers weren’t joking. Holy shit!
Saturday took a lot out of me. So many tears, emotions, breakthroughs and seeing myself and the group exactly as we are and how incredible each truly is. I can’t explain it, but I’ll never forget it.
“I don’t know about you but I wasn’t put on this earth to be small!” – Jessica
Sunday I was exhausted, yet energized, not sure what was going to happen that day. You know, the “be prepared for anything” type of day. Although we were notified we would be going outside for a bit.
We started the morning with Meditate and Rejuvenate and then rolled into Arm Balances. After my saturday practice of feeling “back in my body” I was pumped. I love playing with new & challenging poses and haven’t allowed myself to play in this way in so long.
Then, we went for a silent walk through the highlands and it was so wonderful. However, there are 20 something of us and I saw a few people give us weird looks, haha!!!! Little did they know we’re up to something so much bigger than ourselves.
This weekend is the beginning. A new beginning. A new way of being.
I’m done playing small, done playing it safe. I’m going to create and move and be from a place of freedom and intention. I am committed to speaking up and OUT. I’m back, but different. Lighter. Knowing. Aware. Present. I’m discovering that all of the self doubt that rises up can either be acknowledged and let go of or we can cling to it and make ourselves smaller and smaller with each thought. It’s okay to be me and take up space and be “weird” and loud and talk and laugh and be. If something I do is unliked by someone, then that’s on them.
I am committed to trusting myself without hesitation, like a pencil without an eraser. I will create more and doubt less.
I hope through this process and following along with my posts you see all of the possibility in you.
So much love,